Tag: scared

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What does this mean? I cannot go there …not again..

mycancerandme

My yearly cancer check-up was this Sunday, it was an overflow clinic hence the weekend. I saw Mr Fasemade who’s the boss man – ie the new Mr Moss.

SOOO, where do I start, I have been aware of a white patch on my tongue for a while, it’s not sore or gross looking its a indent with a white colour. also, I have had a funny feeling when i swallow recently – I kind of feels like one part of the throat is narrower so it feels like I’m swallowing a big lump of food and more recently drink. Now this “symptom” didn’t worry me at all – i just thought it was good old radiotherapy causing the tissues to tighten up or maybe even that it was in my head, i was ramping up towards my yearly check-up so maybe it was in my head – which is why i hadn’t told anyone other than G a few days before the appointment.

So, I go in and as always I notice MR F’s huge hands …. seriously every time I see him this is my first thought… anyway we have the usual hellos and how are yous.
Then it’s time for business, the last time I saw him he said I needed a tooth extracting (side note, radiotherapy demolishes your teeth and makes removal complicated), for this to happen Mr F insists patients have 6 weeks of what he calls triple therapy, which is an antibiotic, a med which helps small vessels have good blood flow and a very high dose Vit E (all from memory so apologies if ive messed up), anyways I was put on this triple therapy and it made me sooo sick, I was vomiting 5 or 6 times every day and felt dreadful, I managed 3 weeks and said NO enough is enough, and essentially cancelled the extraction (this could have gone tits up but I think I got away with it). Mr F then spends what feels like for ever explaining that removing a tooth can lead to osteo-radio-necrosis ie jaw bone death – and that he would need to use my rib or a bone from my lower leg to make me a new jaw as the infection would eat away at the bones of my jaw …. nice huh ??!?

I then tell him I have this white patch and that I have ruled out thrush (something people who have RT get lots of) and that Ive even tried to scratch it off and it has not worked and I want him to look, he does and sees what I mean straight away, he says “it could be s sharp bit if tooth” and shoves a gloved hand into my mouth, feeling for sharp edges, which hes doesn’t find. I say I’m not happy about it and I’m actually quite worried about what this could be. He is very calm and says that we don’t want to jump the gun but he agrees that perhaps we should take a closer look and have a biopsy – he starts filling out a medical photography form, apparently, we need a before shot.

As hes doing this I say “there is this one little thing….. ” and I explain about the throat…. He immediately says, OK we need that scanned – let put it as urgent – and I notice lots of glances between Mr F and the Nurse who was also in the room. He seems much more worried about the throat symptom than the tongue. I’m told i will be contacted and off I go…

WHAT IF

I cannot help but to go there, I have moments where my mind takes me to places i NEVER want to go

  • 6 months down the line I’m on chemo… as I can’t have more radiotherapy to that area
  • surgery .. theres not much tongue to take – what will I be left with – if any – will i talk – will i loose the tip of my tongue this time – –Christ could i loose the whole thing
  • Maybe I cannot take the treatment? let’s face it ive got shitty health and it was so very hard last time – on the whole family …..

Now these are my split-second thoughts so no-one jump the gun, but you really can’t help going there when you have a history like this and TWO potential issues… what will be will be. I’m not letting it control me or take over they are just passing thoughts/worries.

Now a few days later I have my letters for my dates I have my MRI on the 29th Jan and my Biopsy 23 Feb !!!!!!—- I have already called and asked for it to be sooner but was told it was the soonest they had – so I have said that I will take a cancellation appointment and I can be there in 14 minutes.

so now the waiting game…..

or

** surgery .. theres not much tongue to take – what willi be left with – if any – will i talk – will i loose the tip of my tongue this time – –christ could i loose the whole thing

Or

Maybe i cannot take the treatment ? lets face it ive got shitty health and it was so very hard last time – on the whole family …..

Now these are my split second thoughts so no-one jump the gun, but you really cant help going there when you have a history like this and TWO potential issues… what will be will be. Im not letting it control me ot take over they are just passing thoughts/worries.

I have my letters for my dates

MRI on the 29th Jan

Biopsy 23 Feb —- i have already called and asked for it to be sooner but was told it was the soonest they had – so i have said that i will take a cancellation appointment and i can be there in 14 minutes.

so now the waiting game

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Recovery? (arm pic but not as gross anymore)

mycancerandme

I haven’t blogged for ever and I keep getting asked if I am ok as I haven’t blogged – I am ok – in my own way !

I thought I would start with a quick run down of whats been going on I am seeing Mr Moss 4 weekly and at that appointment I also see speech and language (these are also th people to help with swallow and therefore eating – more about that later on) and I see my nutritionist who wants me to “make up” calories so I have the right amount so I have free reign over ice cream …

 

OK arm pic it looks a bit paler in this picture its more pink in real life – its fully healed and we are using massage to stretch it out as the top bit on the left can get very sore as the skin is so tight. But overall I am pretty happy with how its healed I do still hide it a bit not because anyone has said anything but I just feel more confortable.

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The next few pictures are to show how much weight I have lost .. im now a UK 14/16 and was a UK22,  loosing weight that quickly really messes with your head, you pick up a top size 20 and I go to put it on – it drowns me. I wont need to  shop in Evans ever again, im some ways im more confident with my new body but I most definatly need Gok Wan to get me into some magic knickers – I haven’t got baggy skin or anything its just a mummy tummy after 2 C-section and my pelvic surgery.

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NOw this is a bit of a random picture but I wanted to share a friend of mine is going to make one of these for my son for Christmas, which he is going to love, his aunty JoJo got him the first DVD for his birthday which was 10 days ago, he had a great day he got a BMX scooter, a remote controlled helicopter, £65, 3D bedding!!!! oh and a Darlek  alarm clock which projects the time on the ceiling. Then he went to school hee hee, we then took him to his favourite place to eat out, Harvester, he loves the salad bar, actually so does D. everyone (im not inc) had a great meal and pudding and off we trotted back home for some helicopter fun … it was very funny to watch especially hubby as K expected him to be able to do it straight away and he did not, he was as bad as K but they had a good laugh.

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You might remember me taking a questionnaire about my low moods etc – well I am now on anti depressants and have been for some weeks now and am starting to feel the benefits – I spoke to both my GP and Mr Moss to said its almost unusual for cancer patients / during or after treatment not to become depressed. Weirdly hearing that its normal made it easier to talk about and even put in here.

I had my first “scare” (that should read paranoid crazy lady moment) I hadn’t had a period since May and I started to become aware of this and think of it more as August progressed and I got more worried thinking – has it spread – but I had a clear smear in January, but it could be, what if it is, it could be, you never know omg it is… im going to die .. etc etc. But being the sensible person I am I bottled this up and said nothing to anyone until my amazing health visitor popped over and I turned into a snotty blubbering squeaky voiced mess, she proceeded to get me an appointment the next day I think it was, anyway G came with me as by then I has fessed up my crazy. So I explain it all to the doc as she says you have lost a lot of weight you have been through soo much your body has probably just put it on a back burner for now – she then said but as we have spoken about it it will be here within the week, something no one understands but it happens. We left and 5 days later the doctor was proved right.

 

I guess that’s what I have too look forward to for the next … ever, as you never forget that day you never forget the biopsy or the telling people .. so I think what I am saying is I will always be scared in one way or another that its going to /has come back and it will always have that hold over me.

I know this is turning out to be a long post but I just wanted to update about my eating or lack of, I can manage Weetabix most days – some days it feels to sharp in my mouth and leaves my mouth and tongue so so sore. I have tried lots of other things mash potato different soups and have stolen food off everyone’s plate to try and eat and I haven’t found anything that I can eat without it causing burning pain or making me choke and turn a lovely shade of blue. This is starting to piss me off now as I am fancying food – I see or smell something and want it but I cant…. very frustrating

anyways I need to finish a bit of sewing so I will leave you with a non wonky smile

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As weak as a kitten…

mycancerandme

Well friday, after seeing the palliative care doctor (not end if life, but symptom control), who added as drug to my syringe driver and gave me the ok to go home.

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This is Sarah the Dr  I saw and she was THE kindest doctor, she was amazing and I even loved her dress (it was from … Pepper Berry and yes i asked lol)

I can honestly say she was the most supportive doc i have ever seen – she took on board your concerns and made sure you were feeling ok about the decisions which were being made – which inevitably would affect me.

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Just before i left i spotted this to, a LEAF  – i asked what it meant …. I was told by an amazing health care assistant who has helped me loads (pic below) thats they place leaf pictures above the beds of the patients who are at risk of falls’s. I thought it was great.

 

Especially as i did have a fall whilst i was in hospital and didnt want to shout about it ..

imageThis is another amazing member of staff – she never stoppped working and was just so so helpful and lovley .

 

I got home via hospital transport and i will admit i found it bloody hard work – i was so bloody tired and jiggling round didnt help, I got home to discover that the syringe driver (as per video) had come out so we had to call out the district nurse!

 

The next day, saturday,  my aunty,Uncle ands Nannan came round it was great to see them and the kids had a blast – I love that my littler miss “i dont like people i dont know reallly well” loves her great nannanand great aunty and uncle so so much

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imagemummy found the energy to do our first plat

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We then went off to the hospital to collect this … and for a few appointments – i will update appts later as i am soooo tired

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HALF WAY……

mycancerandme

Who would have thought it – i certainly didn’t – its seemed forever away in the beginning… but I’m there – although i cannot take all the credit – i have had a lot  of help.

 

I did have some bad news this week thou, friday i has the speech and language therapist (SALT) show up … she asked how eating and drinking was going – I said eating had pretty much stopped as i couldn’t taste and it hurt too much so not even eating for taste anymore, and drinking was ok, apart from the choking! RED FLAG to the SALT — I will be right back she says and off she goes – comes back with cups a jelly a yoghurt and a spoon. I am going to do a swallowing assessment she says … she says she will spoon in water and i am to swallow and she will have her hand gently on my throat to check the mechanism of my swallow. Sounds ok to me except o bloody choke about half of the time … i ask to do it a different way, but by then i am tired so choke more. she then goes and gets some thickener. now rightly or wrongly (due to personal experience) i associate this with very sick people. She goes ahead and shows me how it thickens the water and i try it and yes i didnt choke but, I WILL NOT BE USING IT  not how not never… its like wallpaper paste its horrible the texture is just awful. Anyways out of this I am officially diagnosed with an unsafe swallow and am advised not to even try food and not to drink unless it’s thickened !! oh and if i do i am at high risk of chest infections etc !!! Now is it me or is that a bit shit !

 

Saturday i had a catch up radiotherapy (i missed 2 last week) and then i slept till sunday lol – the tiredness is killing me slowly.

 

Today I had radio then dr’s he was asking about my sickness and those of you on my Facebook page will know that i had had 2 days of not being sick (yes past tense). he advised cutting out one of the drugs – and i have felt nausea most of the afternoon – i am hoping its a fluke and we shall see what the morning brings – but i do have a bowl ready ! – what a sexy life i lead – its practically sex and the city lol. Other than that he is happy – then SALT and Nutritionist – 2 people who i used to fear – in a im gonna get told off by teacher sort of way .. so i sit down – we work out im having 1000 -1500 kal a day on a good day and sometimes as low as 800. which  even i know isnt great but turns out i am maintaining my weight so she lost that fight although 500mls of water in a day BAD SHOW had to agree on that one.. then SALT she asked if i had used the thickener – I said no and that mentally i wasnt there – that it didn’t seem right ! which is true it really doesnt and I don’t think i will be using it any time soon.

 

Pain.. Ive been in quite a lot of pain this week my back, neck and mouth/throat… so I have had to take oramorph a fair few times on top of my normal medication. but i guess that why i have it, to take when needed.

 

I guess i am feeling defiant atm – very much – you say i cant do something so i will – i will prove you wrong, If i am 100% honest it probably stems from fear but i am soooooo not there yet – for now i will happily choke on water and feel crappy each time !

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So … I cried

mycancerandme

I can honestly say I have only cried a handful of times since diagnosis and that includes when i was told and even after surgery … see i don’t like crying, i worry i wont stop or i will loose control. but tonight i am in a lot of pain, my back isn’t liking the bed that i lay on for treatment and given my surgery was only October im still a bit sore – and my mouth feels like a major dose of tonsillitis and we all know that sucks … mix that up with general knackeredness and a dash of fucked off with the world and I CRY.

G suggested i write in here more often how I am truly feeling ir the bad stuff and not to worry if people don’t like it or read it – just to write it down.

So here goes I am frustrated, I have a friend moving house and normally i would have helped even if it was making the tea.

I am pissed of i haven’t been able to “use” the fact i have recovered from my back surgery.

I feel like a prisoner, who is “exercised” everyday to addenbrookes and back

I wish someone truly knew how i was feeling, how i just want to scream and punch things and how certain people simply could not fuck me off more if they tried .. this is going to sound very “pot calling the kettle”.. but this person is so wrapped up in their woe is me life — which to so many others would be a perfect existence.

I believe in Karma and have recently witnessed it in full force, but if it does exist, why have i had all the shite…. im often reminded i was a shitty teenager and a terrible toddler who never slept, but to my recollection i haven’t done anything too bad, other than some cracking arguments with my mother which no doubt were of my making and my “fiery nature”. When i have been able to to have done volunteer work – even if its spending weeks making some bunting for a children’s charity’s new building – its not much but they appreciated the thought .. i volunteered at a special needs school – i taught children basic sign language .. and i always gave a shit – i would help people where i could – even if its just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on… I set up and now run a on line support group for military spouses with additional needs and or disabilities ..

Maybe i have asked too much of people – actually i am certain i have, which is why I haven’t seen anyone well my parents 4 ish times since diagnosis, my friend E is moving so doesn’t count, nor does H as she’s not too well … but thats it no-one …. im lonely – thats not to say i want to inundated with people i dont know well, hugging me and coming over for coffee etc and tbh i would probably find that hard to deal with – i guess i have realised i dont have many friends – more people i know, you know.

its sad really for a woman of 30 to say … which sums up how I am feeling, sad.

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And repeat…..

mycancerandme

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Same view same staff same faces, except the newbys who hold their diagnosis letter and their schedule of treatments as if its proof they should be here… its  obvious many are panicing possibly imagining big cancer fighting lazer beams whereas its a big polo with beeps and clicks.. you want feel it… or see it…. insted you see nothing and generally feel a bit crap and very tired….

Since wednesday my mask hasnt fitted well.. lots of adjustments and now im coming out with a honey comb effect on my head…. look

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Today i asked the radiotherapyographer (its something like this, altho im now wondering if i should have an ologist in there too), anyway backing away slowly from my mentalness… the reason for the poor fitting is weight loss… now  this piss’s me off do o look like ive lost weight….

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I dont think so …. see ive been trying foods different ones and getting my calories its very frustrating. Im gonna try n get to stamford our local town for some foods i can try…. i did try grapes today… BIG FAIL choked and needed to peel them like u do for your toddler…

Anywayz this is my current view

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Oooodles of traffic

Signing off wonky sore smile n all xxxx