Guilt, blame and puffy eyes

my macmillam nurse came round today and i pretty much spent an hour in tears… We spoke for a long while.

I spoke to her about an under lying feeling i have had since my diagnosis,it is that every day i have thought, “i smoked so i deserve this” and that other people feel and think the same. ive feel guilt everyday for my husband and children, my mum who hasnt coped very well and my sisters. Even admitting this is very hard but i would rather say it now that the can of worms has been opened. my macmillan nurse is coming in a week and i think i am going to ask for some counselling as im finding a few things pretty hard. For example I have signed up for a sewing class type thing and im thinking of backing out for a few reasons including fear of walking into a room of people, i also about my scars and speech.

As ive said before this is how im feeling at the moment. The only sign there will be if anyone sees me tomorrow will be my puffy eyes. I will continue to smile and try and be the old me. If anyone (other than ppl who know they can get away with it T, H, E & K) was to come up to me and hug me you would likely get a slap lol not out of nastyness its my fight or flight, only my flight mechinism is shot lol.

I spoke to a family member tonight about a few things some of which i think cut to the bone, i think some suprised and i think some pissed off…. But every word i truely believed or felt, a feeling no matter how ‘wrong or misplaced’ anyone thinks it might be is a feeling. I think thats something that everyone should take on board. Ive started implimenting that with my children more, making sure i acknowledge and or find out how they are really feeling before deciding how to deal with situations.

Still smiling on the outside working on the gobbledegoop on the inside lol

Nunight xxx

1 thought on “Guilt, blame and puffy eyes”

  1. So, ‘I’m fine as long you don’t touch me!’ rules at the moment, huh? And me telling you that what you are feeling is completely normal isn’t going to make you feel any better, but I’ll say it anyway! You are bound to have times like this. Everyone, with any kind of illness, goes through ‘Why me? What did I do to deserve this and then you think of any reason you can possibly can, no matter how whacky! It’s really hard to accept that there is no reason, and you have to stop asking why. 1 in 3 people get cancer Steph, and 1 in 3 people do not smoke, so what do all those other people do to find a reason? I know loads of people who have had cancer and never smoked, so you can’t say that your smoking definitely is the reason for your cancer. There are loads of other factors.
    Going to sewing clubs, meeting new people, they will see an amazingly strong woman who has the balls to do something new. As soon as they meet you they will be blown away, and won’t notice your scars or your speech, two things which you are very aware of, but no-one else is. They are not as obvious as you think they are.
    I’m so glad you have this MacMillan nurse to talk to, and I think this sewing group will be a great thing for you to do, something new, not too difficult, plays to your strengths and is something you enjoy. Please go and enjoy yourself. They will look after you xxx


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