feeling lost

This is how i’m feeling at the moment teary, exhausted by sleeping and if anyone dare ask how I am I am a slobbering snotty mess. Because the truth be told – how am I ?? rubbish I feel like I am not coping – like I should be doing more (eating), well everything – I wish I had energy for house work, even just a bit but I have stupidly low blood pressure which makes me feel dizzy and exhausted – the type of tired that sleep wont fix. I find myself wanting to hide away from it all – even from my wonderful husband who is doing everything as I seem unable / unmotivated to do anything.


I saw Mr Moss the other day and as per for before 12 midday I was feeling sick and just for fun being sick – Mr Moss examined me and said he was happy from a cancer point of view ie no signs of it coming back he did mention the swelling on the front of my neck and mentioned it was my thyroid – but didn’t say anything needed doing – he was then quite sharp and upsetting in his wording about me eating … you should be trying more foods by now we need you off the PEG. Obviously that’s my aim tooooooo ffs. it was just hard to hear I guess as its really hard – I still choke on water for Christ sake.  he then passed me over to his registrar – a lovely irish chap who organised for a fluoroscopy if that’s spelt right – a ‘live’ x ray as they put visible fluid into my peg to check it was ok and not that causing the sickness.. it was all ok – so we had another play with medication. the medication change has been pretty good and once I have taken it in the morning its working pretty quickly.

We have also hit summer holidays which adds stress of occupying a 7 year old .. we have a SAGA mega drive…. oh yes i am that cool….. its 20 years old and i got it with my modelling money when we lived in Hong Kong … D is in nursery which is a god send as my energy levels are so low i would not cope on my own – it simply wouldn’t be fair on her.



2 thoughts on “feeling lost”

  1. im sorry to hear that you are feeling so down steph, have they done bloods to check your thyroid levels as that can cause excessive tiredness, sickness and all the other symptoms you are having, it may be worth getting them to check it if it is swollen, at least they could rule that out and you can insist on more answers, im so glad that the cancer seems not to be coming back though that is really good news xx


  2. It’s great that all is good on the cancer front, and I think everything else will fall in over time. I know that is what you are finding frustrating at the moment, but it’s not been long since you have been trying to eat properly, so just relax over it, the more pressure you put on yourself, the more difficult it will become. Let your body rest up for just now x


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