Will I ever eat again ???

Genuine question ??! answers on a post card

Its such a simple thing to do, we learn ass children all being well and then have a never ending battle of eating too much or too little with some. With me it was too much, a size 22 at peak. at my heaviest i weighed 18st 8lb.. Im now a size 16 weighing 12st12lb. Im now starting to loathe the scales for the opposite reasons previously, i just want my weight to stay the same, not because im too slim (long road off that yet, a very long road) but because it would mean that i am getting the right amount of “milk shake” overnight through the peg. So if it stayed the same for a few weeks we would have one thing sussed, then as my energy levels increased and my activity increased if i still maintained that would be fab… then this time next year when i am well enough I can diet to a size 14 and say I DID THAT – where as now people say – wow you great, aka slimmer – I feel obliged to say it wasn’t me it was cancer !! not that it should have any positives but hey ho we have the silver lining.

People ask me if i miss eating and its yes and no, i miss the ability and the enjoyment, but no i don’t have hunger so no i dont.

I try and eat and my swallow just will not work, the only way i can think to describe this to you is, put a whole cracker in your mouth and chew it up… now swallow !!! it just wouldn’t work would it … that’s whats its like … my swallow just fails and i of course try and force it which hurts like swallowing those crackers. Swallowing water can be extreemly painful, painful  enough to make me cry at times – but swallowing is using muscles which must be exercised, so i constantly have a bottle of water with me – often now i have that water thickened to make it safer for me to swallow. By safter i mean  easier and that i am less likely to choke on.

So tonight G has a take away including egg fried rice one of my favourites and i try some and its an epic fail i cant taste it and cant swallow any. it just seems that at the moment i am getting nowhere. I am constantly told its early days but when does an early day stop being early ?


2 thoughts on “Will I ever eat again ???”

  1. Hon
    Read this and brought back all of my fears and worries from a couple of months ago. You will taste again and you will swallow again, although mine is far from normal it is almost there. I like the taste of things I didn’t used to and no longer like sweet things at all-chocolate, cake anything like that is no longer something I reach for.
    I still have an ensure plus shake here and there because food doesn’t always do it for me. I know what you mean about weight loss. I have lost three and a half stone since February. Still going down.
    I am so grateful to swallow my own spit and water let alone any other food with texture. My mouth dries out so quick. Always take water with me everywhere I go.
    I hope your progress is quick. Good luck and take care xx


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.