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What my furture holds


I have been thinking about this a lot recently and it was dragged kicking and screaming to the surface  today, when we took the children to MacDonalds and I say and cried – not coz i love the food, although i did love a chicken sandwich meal, but I cried because I cannot eat – my last actual meal was the end of Jan. I was sat there thinking I know what that tastes like and I can smell it – but i have no taste – I cannot eat. I felt throughly lonely and “different” it was a very cold and unwelcome feeling.

If I am to think about the future I should get my taste back in a few months – but even then I have half a bloody tongue which doesnt work very well – compared. With all the therapy in the world i will never go out for steak chips with mustard again, never have a date night with hubby at out favourite place in stamford as spicy food is and will be a no go for years to come

Even now when i manage ice cream, its messy, i cannot lick my lips. its embarressting, at 30 years old i need something to wipe my face (i hear the jokes of well im  a messy eater etc but not like this)

I wonder if i will every be confident enough to eat around people.

all of this may seem trivial but if your reading this – please do this …. stick your tongue out — bite your tongue enough to stop it moving– now swallow… that is easier than me swallowing now. I have massive pain which i can only liken to having triple tonsilitis and a throat infection.

Silly things i will never, blow a raspberry with my kids, lick a lolly, whistle for my dogs.

 

I have notice people treating me differently as soon as i start speaking – in shops etc – and rightly or wrongly I feel its down to my facial drop, again it may not seem much to some but I am constantly aware of it – it affects my already pretty shitty speech, i can feel it is in the “wrong” place and mostly how it looks – i don’t look “normal” like me – how i want to look. The scars are pretty bad – as in there’s lots of them but i don’t really mind them. But the mouth drop I HATE IT

 

Not one doctor or nurse has spoken to me about my drop since i was in hospital for my operation. Its like its OK its no biggy – Im inclined to disagree !

 

And the cherry ontop of my day was being asked out to dinner buy someone close who – im hoping was just having a brain fart or mad moment – as i was so bloody thrown by it – but i tell you what its made me feel shocking

 

ahhhh I’m ok – its healthy to have a rant and get it out of your system – or so they say

 

Wonky smiles

 

xxx

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “What my furture holds”

  1. the thought of a MacDonalds often makes me cry – but for different reasons I suspect!! It was obviously going to hit home at some point, and in a way I think it is great that you are wondering what the future will hold for you. I do know that you will feel that your ‘drop’ is worse than other people will see it, and whereas you will feel everyone looking at you when you are trying to eat, most people won’t be.
    Maybe you should bring up the subject of your drop the next time you are at the hospital? See what they say now that you are a few months in.
    There is nothing I can say about someone inviting you out to dinner!! That really ‘takes the biscuit’!! (pardon the pun!)
    Keep strong Hun xx

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  2. ((((Steph))))

    I remember how I felt when I had Bell’s Palsy – & therefore cannot imagine how it must feel to not know when/how your face will improve/change, plus adding in the lack of taste – it’s no wonder these things overwhelm you.

    Know that nothing I can say or do will make it feel any better, but just thinking about you & sending you much love & gentle hugs xoxox

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