So … I cried

I can honestly say I have only cried a handful of times since diagnosis and that includes when i was told and even after surgery … see i don’t like crying, i worry i wont stop or i will loose control. but tonight i am in a lot of pain, my back isn’t liking the bed that i lay on for treatment and given my surgery was only October im still a bit sore – and my mouth feels like a major dose of tonsillitis and we all know that sucks … mix that up with general knackeredness and a dash of fucked off with the world and I CRY.

G suggested i write in here more often how I am truly feeling ir the bad stuff and not to worry if people don’t like it or read it – just to write it down.

So here goes I am frustrated, I have a friend moving house and normally i would have helped even if it was making the tea.

I am pissed of i haven’t been able to “use” the fact i have recovered from my back surgery.

I feel like a prisoner, who is “exercised” everyday to addenbrookes and back

I wish someone truly knew how i was feeling, how i just want to scream and punch things and how certain people simply could not fuck me off more if they tried .. this is going to sound very “pot calling the kettle”.. but this person is so wrapped up in their woe is me life — which to so many others would be a perfect existence.

I believe in Karma and have recently witnessed it in full force, but if it does exist, why have i had all the shite…. im often reminded i was a shitty teenager and a terrible toddler who never slept, but to my recollection i haven’t done anything too bad, other than some cracking arguments with my mother which no doubt were of my making and my “fiery nature”. When i have been able to to have done volunteer work – even if its spending weeks making some bunting for a children’s charity’s new building – its not much but they appreciated the thought .. i volunteered at a special needs school – i taught children basic sign language .. and i always gave a shit – i would help people where i could – even if its just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on… I set up and now run a on line support group for military spouses with additional needs and or disabilities ..

Maybe i have asked too much of people – actually i am certain i have, which is why I haven’t seen anyone well my parents 4 ish times since diagnosis, my friend E is moving so doesn’t count, nor does H as she’s not too well … but thats it no-one …. im lonely – thats not to say i want to inundated with people i dont know well, hugging me and coming over for coffee etc and tbh i would probably find that hard to deal with – i guess i have realised i dont have many friends – more people i know, you know.

its sad really for a woman of 30 to say … which sums up how I am feeling, sad.

6 thoughts on “So … I cried”

  1. I think ur husbands right u should use this site to b able to vent ur anger n frustration. this is ur blog about u remember and if people dont like it tough. can macmillan not put u in touch with a buddy to speak to who knows what ur going through? most importantly remember u r going through the worst time ever n u deal with it however u can there is no set rules. chin up hun.xx


  2. I get where you’re coming from on the lonely bit hun, I think it’s a downside to our lifestyle…we’re pro’s at saying goodbye before “real” friendships can form :o( (usually- not always). Wish I could do something to help, I really do.

    Get it all out here – cant do you any good trying to bottle it up, and you’re still awesome in my eyes Mrs!!!

    Have you found anyone that’s been through this to talk to, they might do a better job at understanding exactly where you’re coming from.

    But for now I send ooooooodles of virtual hugs, as useless as they may be
    C xxxxx


  3. G is right, you need put it down to get it off your chest if nothing else. That is what your blog is for – you – not anyone else – it’s to help you. You have not done anything to deserve this – never think that you have. Big hugs xx


  4. may not be there to put the world to rights with you but you are thought of every day xxx sending virtual hugs xxx


  5. ‘E’ has moved house now, and is back online! Once the baby stops vomiting, I’m coming round!! Keep your chin up and ur tits out, Hun. Love you lots x x x x x


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