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Tough shit…


If your reading this and think I’m wrong. Or I have personally upset you…. There is a little X on the right hand corner of the screen…

I have seriously pissed of mother again by talking about her in the blog…. She feels I have made her out to be the wicked witch…. NO I HAVEN’T …. my blog is how I feel… And what I’m thinking and is 100% honest and how i am feeling at the time of typing !

i will add for arguements sake that my parents visited me on the saturday in hospital whon i still had my trachi and they found ot extreemly difficult as i was coughing and spluttering and have to have suction regularly. and yes its not nice to watch but imagine how it feels ! also the brought me some cards – the then visited this saturday as i had mentioned before and mum not only did the kitchen she did the bathroon (i dont go upstairs so had forgotten) and she did some washing i either forgot or didnt realise ! additionally dad played with daisy inbetween her meltdowns ! i think thats me straight. ps mum also bought me a scarf which is much appreciated and i said this at the time.

see the the thing with me is i am actually really timid i just act bold and brash to hode it – if i feel threatened even slighlty i will fight to the death ! and example before all this and my silver lining i wanted to go to slimming world but i was too scraed to walk into a room of so many people !!! my cousin h ad a 30th? birthday party a big one and i made excuses as i worried that i would not know people and i would be the “fat” “disabled” on – and to clarify this is what i think not what had been said – it doesnt stop me shopping or anything else but parties and groups are hard !!

I do understand that my family find this whole situaltion hard and may have had a cry – i know many of my family find solice in the chruch which is great for them – but of your finding it hard DONT TELL ME – because its 100 times worse for me i gaurenttee you ! lets look at my so called life

metal pelvis
un able to pee sometines had to self catherterise !!
pain from pelvis espoecially when cold
back pain for 7 years who never stoped not for 1 minute its always there !!
mayjor surgery called a laminectomy (google it) t4567
then i get told i have had a stroke
then not a stroke
the CANCER
THEN THE OPERATION
remove tumour and half my tounge straight down the middle.
remove a huge chunk of my wrist and make that into a tounge for me and sew it tobether
cut my neck open and remove al lymph glands
i cant eat i can barey drink and i hurt more than can ever be written
and wait
and wait and wait to see if i need chemo and radio therapy !!!

but i have 2 babys and a husband and friends that i have to smile for, when on the inside i just want to curl up and never see anyone again — especially the past few days its hard and when I am told that someone struggled to help me its horrible i NEED HELP i wont often ask, i am a stubourn cow but i will upload a pic of my legs the bruises – when g was bad i walked round the house on my knees looking after D! then i had a fall which i hadnt mentioned incase anyone told anyone – incidently just a few bruises on legs !

i think what i am trying to say is if your going to support me do it – we can cry together but then we move on – every time i write this blog i have soggin tshirt from tears but for me i need to empty my brain so that i can be “happy” for g and the kids whn really i would quite happily run away (not that i can run) and never come back – i feel especially like that today … coz you know what my life sucks and if it wasnt for my amazing friends/ g and kids i do not think i could do it i think i would be hospitalised.

im signing off now coz i am rambling – not smiling tonight but thers always tomorrow

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5 thoughts on “Tough shit…”

  1. Wow Steph if you could buy/sell strength you could be a millionaire! I really admire your drive but slow down missis (with the walking on your knees lol)
    As a person studying to be a counsellor, it throws up loads of emotions and we have to write a personal journal, (to use in essays later) and I can relate massively to the writing straight from the heart, balling eyes out as all thoughts and feelings fall onto the page and how it can help HUGELY.
    I know we don’t know each other that well but I think about you loads, I gave the kids there name banners on Sunday for Easter and they LOVE them thanks (0:
    Hope today is a better day xxxxx

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  2. Massive squishy hugs sweetheart. I agree with heather. This is your place to vent ans pour out your heart to clear your head. I’m so amazed by how strong you are being ans I’m supporting you from afar with virtual hugs. Virtual chocolate and virtual wine. If it was closer I’d be round like a shot x

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  3. I totally agree with heather, if you find it helps go ahead and write hon, write a bloody book if it means you get things out and it frees your mind, you need to empty it or like you say things will get tougher, everyone near and far knows you’re not as tough as you make out but you have done so well and I for one am proud of you, hope g’s back is improving and huggles to the kids xxx

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  4. Hun, this blog is written by you, for you, to help you deal with all this unimaginable shit!! You work through it however you can, and if it helps to use this as your ‘voice’ while you don’t have one, then that’s what you do. It’s not for anyone elses’ benefit – I read it to see how you are, and to see if there is anything I can help you with today. That’s how I knew to come over 🙂

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