If your reading this and think I’m wrong. Or I have personally upset you…. There is a little X on the right hand corner of the screen…

I have seriously pissed of mother again by talking about her in the blog…. She feels I have made her out to be the wicked witch…. NO I HAVEN’T …. my blog is how I feel… And what I’m thinking and is 100% honest and how i am feeling at the time of typing !

i will add for arguements sake that my parents visited me on the saturday in hospital whon i still had my trachi and they found ot extreemly difficult as i was coughing and spluttering and have to have suction regularly. and yes its not nice to watch but imagine how it feels ! also the brought me some cards – the then visited this saturday as i had mentioned before and mum not only did the kitchen she did the bathroon (i dont go upstairs so had forgotten) and she did some washing i either forgot or didnt realise ! additionally dad played with daisy inbetween her meltdowns ! i think thats me straight. ps mum also bought me a scarf which is much appreciated and i said this at the time.

see the the thing with me is i am actually really timid i just act bold and brash to hode it – if i feel threatened even slighlty i will fight to the death ! and example before all this and my silver lining i wanted to go to slimming world but i was too scraed to walk into a room of so many people !!! my cousin h ad a 30th? birthday party a big one and i made excuses as i worried that i would not know people and i would be the “fat” “disabled” on – and to clarify this is what i think not what had been said – it doesnt stop me shopping or anything else but parties and groups are hard !!

I do understand that my family find this whole situaltion hard and may have had a cry – i know many of my family find solice in the chruch which is great for them – but of your finding it hard DONT TELL ME – because its 100 times worse for me i gaurenttee you ! lets look at my so called life

metal pelvis
un able to pee sometines had to self catherterise !!
pain from pelvis espoecially when cold
back pain for 7 years who never stoped not for 1 minute its always there !!
mayjor surgery called a laminectomy (google it) t4567
then i get told i have had a stroke
then not a stroke
remove tumour and half my tounge straight down the middle.
remove a huge chunk of my wrist and make that into a tounge for me and sew it tobether
cut my neck open and remove al lymph glands
i cant eat i can barey drink and i hurt more than can ever be written
and wait
and wait and wait to see if i need chemo and radio therapy !!!

but i have 2 babys and a husband and friends that i have to smile for, when on the inside i just want to curl up and never see anyone again — especially the past few days its hard and when I am told that someone struggled to help me its horrible i NEED HELP i wont often ask, i am a stubourn cow but i will upload a pic of my legs the bruises – when g was bad i walked round the house on my knees looking after D! then i had a fall which i hadnt mentioned incase anyone told anyone – incidently just a few bruises on legs !

i think what i am trying to say is if your going to support me do it – we can cry together but then we move on – every time i write this blog i have soggin tshirt from tears but for me i need to empty my brain so that i can be “happy” for g and the kids whn really i would quite happily run away (not that i can run) and never come back – i feel especially like that today … coz you know what my life sucks and if it wasnt for my amazing friends/ g and kids i do not think i could do it i think i would be hospitalised.

im signing off now coz i am rambling – not smiling tonight but thers always tomorrow