Firstly thank you to everyone who is reading and sending me messages they genuinly mean alot !
Tomorrow is the BIG DAY !!
the cancer is being removed, along with some lymph nodes on the right side, between me and you i have a “gland” on the left side that i noticed a few days ago – but havent mentioned as yet for a few reasons – firstly G hasnt been too well ! and secondly a few days wont make a difference!
Either way Tomorrow we say “FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!” which i am considering writing on my leg for the surgon to see at the crutial point – ie when hes removing muscle from leg to rebiuld my tounge lol
People keep asking am i ready !! thankfully i have yet to answer honestly because i my head i say !!
- READY READY am i ready – what to have my fucking tounge removed to possibly never speak again to become a deforemed mess of a woman ?????
- AM I FUCK
- snoty slobbering mess of a no “I am not ready”
But tbh i am ok – it will hit me tomorrow when i have dropped the children off at stupid o’clock at friends houses – then i will freak out cry snot and generally panic – but till then i am ok !
I am quite proud to say i am a sounding board for some of my friends – well alot of them actually 3 of whome spring to mind – 1 has deperession very severly and i think i have managed to convince her to see a doctor as she is strugglingg but stubbern as hell ! another has a child with extreemly complex addiotional need- and is scared and needs a sounding board (i will add shes well ard and her little one is so very lucky to have her as her mummy) and the third friend who comes to mind has PND (post natal depression) something i understand very well as i had it following K’s birth ! Anywhos, when speaking to all of these people the last few days they have all apused and said – oh but its not that bad really – and all but one of them was clearly thinking “but its not cancer” …. and weirdly i feel bad – i wish i was steph with the knackered back still .. well i still kind of do – but you know ! Its hard you cant see cancer – you cant see what living on 3 cups of tea and most of a 300calorie drink thru a peg feels like ! !!
I mean yes im slim now – well slimmer ! but you cant see it – i find that annoying !
As of tomorrow i will not be able to speak at al lfor some time – perhaps not ever – and most definatly never the same ! I dont think i have truwely realised the magnitude of this ! and i dont think i will for some time – what i do know is it makes me want to cry !
I did the school pick up a minute ago and i am shattered now and in so much pain ! but so many people looked at me probably coz i am onot there often and I will be honest i was feeling a bit lost – one lady spoke to me but i dont think she knew about my speach and bless hers she very nice but i could tell she was suprised !
im rambling now – i may do a panic sticken update tomorrow and or get hubby to update if anyone woudl like – but i wont be able to tpdate till maybe weekend !
i will end with – im pertrifed but in control and have to be ok for my children who i love with all i have ! i still have a smile on my face but its for the kids today xx