Well theres no more fitting title really !

I didnt sleep at all last night – i was in pain all night i am not sure if its the laying down thats making it worse – kinda like tooth ache ! I would kill for one of those Granny styleee rise and recline chairs to sleep in right now – but hey we cant have it all !!

We had some fab news that we have been offered financial help to keep D in nursery full time for the first 4 weeks post surgery as i will not be able to manage her on my own due to the extent of the surgery ! I do worry tho as 4 weeks post op and a 2 year old may still  be a stretch – but guess we will suck it and see. I know i have some amazing friend s 2 inparticular but 1 is moving shortly – they joys of military life and one had a diabled daughter and is herself epileptic – not that you would know she amazing – shes always there for me – but i do worry about her – possibly more than she realises – she so fricking strong – just an amazing person.

I had an appiontment with my urologis last week, a fairly routine appt due to nerve damage from spinal problems but she hadnt seen my notes prior to me entering the room and bless her she was so shocked she welled up and got quite upset at my diagnosis … which tbh i still find a bit odd !!  not just her i mean anyone – its just hard to get my head around..

I have found myself thinking – 1cm margin around the tumour – means they will be removing half my tounge – thats friggin huge – there has to be another option – my speak is already buggered and i spoke well !! a news reader ish type accent – you get that from living all over the place! There has to be anotehr option i mean with all the lazer type surgery why take half my tounge – will i be able to snog my hubby will i be able to say i love you will i be able to shout at the kids lol or call the dogs ..

i mean i was a gobby cow at best i never shout up – i guess this is why i am writing this blog ..

my head is full at the moment – my surgery will be in addenbrookes hospital which is an hours drive – if g was to visit me every day he would be spending over 60 pounds a week on fuel – money we do not have ! so how do i tell g i dont want him to visit me everyday – he will be worried thats natural – but hes not used to being full time daddy he will be stressed enough as it is !

 

arggggggggggggggggggggggggh my head might just explode ~!

We did have a lovely visit from my terribly posh, and generally wonderful health visitor today she genuinly is the nicest person ever – she just makes you smile – she believes in mummy instinct and that mummy knows best and looks at the whole family not just the “baby” of the family – weirdly this made me sad as i have realised g has no support – he has me but thats it !! and you know what thats not fair ! I wish i could make it better for him most of our marrage i have been sick or broken and you know when we had our problems someone i hold in very high regard said “its not what he signed up for” and for a split second i hated her for saying that – but you know what its true ! he didint and neither did my babies !

 

only a fake smile atm xx

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